Sex Ain’t No Casual Affair Baby
An essay that delves into the reality of causal sex and how it’s impossible to separate our emotions from the deed — from Valerie Tendai Chatindo
You know what? Time, life and maybe age have shown me that all humans can ever do is judge and perceive life through their own unique circumstances and life experiences. I always tell Christians, which I also am in case you were wondering, that you can’t force feed your own personal encounter with Christ down someone’s throat. Paul saw Christ at the roadside, the other Pharisees didn’t and that’s okay. Spirituality unfolds itself in a manner we can understand. We all need to have different life experiences and realities in order to present the full scope of life on earth to the sadists watching from the great beyond. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Well about the sadist thing. But in some way I do believe we are a cosmic comedy. And hey, I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. If anything, it makes God that much more relatable to me.
To me…
Your way of seeing things could be totally different and again, that’s absolutely okay. Your God could be mean, vindictive, judgemental, strict or open minded. Really, our ideas on who God is are predomimanty shaped so much by our own ideas about life and ourselves. So maybe, I am a sadist! Kidding!
Going back to the whole Christian thing, I always like to end any debates by saying that the moment we need to produce facts to convince others of our faith then its a lost cause. Christianity is a faith and not fact based movement(mic drop). And yes, that’s an original Val Chatindo quote. You’re welcome.
Enough of the religion stuff. Let’s talk about sex.
The irony!
The other evening, I was sitting in a room full people, when suddenly the most absurd picture(amongst my many heinous thoughts) painted itself in my pretty mind. My goodness, it was both hilarious and vile at the same time. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh, I did neither. I did however write something down.
“Sex is strange and weird. It’s absurd how people consider themselves strangers after sharing such an act. Unthinkable. Once you’ve been intimate with a person you can never be strangers. Sex makes bedfellows out of the most unlikely pairs”
What brought on this obviously profound bit of knowledge(just humour me please) was an image of the faces people making when doing the deed. I mean it’s ridiculous people! The moans, the cries, groans, scrunched up faces, baby voices, shudders and other unnatural sounds. Goodness! It’s ridiculous! Also have noticed you how much I’ve used the absurd in this essay. It’s absurd!
To think that someone out there has seen you in your most pathetic state, seen you reduced to a mere wimpering primate. It’s scary and funny all in one. Not only that but those personal aspects of your body that the world never sees. You know what I mean. The birth mark on your genitals, chaffed thighs and white butt cracks, buttholes, butt dimples, fat, warts, moles and Lord knows what else. Someone has shared that with you. How do we walk away from that and claim to be strangers afterwards? No wonder the Bible uses the word know as an alternative to the word sex. It’s not an aversion, it’s a true depiction of what that deed is. Know, knowing, knew…knowed(kidding).
I don’t know about you but these strange thoughts of Love and Affection, the kind Joan Armatrading sang about, got me thinking about why God forbade fornication. Probably because its so personal. So intrusive, so…out there or should I say in. Ughhh. Its like each time you’re intimate with a person you’ve let them into some inner sanctum of your self, a self that never truly belongs to just you afterwards. Someone out there, or several people out there are in a sense carrying you with them. It’s quite unsettling.
Of course I’m not trying to be preachy or get into all that soul tie yada yada. Really, that’s for you to figure out, if that message is even for you. I’m simply saying that sex is deeply personal. Perhaps because I am a private person(yes I am!) I cringe at the idea of letting everyone in on my most personal of matters. Sure, I know I love entertaining you guys with my traumas and thoughts but were you to meet me in person you’d be surprised. I keep people at arm’s length because my world is my majestic planet which I guard jealously. It’s easier putting my fragments on paper, or rather a word document than it is gaining physical individuals admittance into my life.
I guess those same sentiments echo into the way I view intimacy. But really, can it just be a me thing? Either way. While I let you guys ponder on that, I’ll keep every single crumb of my cookie in the jar and away from the masses and the mice. Because nomatter how you try to put it…sex ain’t no casual affair baby nor can it ever be. And unlike Ms Armatrading…I am in love but I’m not open to persuasion…We are all adults here so I know you know persuasion means in that context.
It’s 2 a.m. Goodnight!
Valerie Tendai Chatindo is a biochemistry graduate from the University of Zimbabwe, writer and sexual health&awareness educator. Her work has appeared in The Kalahari Review, Enthuse Magazine, PinkDisco Magazine, Creepy Pod, Agbowo and Literary Yard. Her short story ‘Sheba’, was shortlisted for the African Cradle, ‘African Heroines’, literary prize and her work published in Povo Africa’s Nehanda Reimagined anthology. The twenty eight year old resides in Harare, Zimbabwe with her cat, Muffins, where she runs her own Literary Platform, Shumba Literary Magazine.
