The Other Cheek

A new personal essay from Zimbabwean Valerie Tendai Chatindo

I don’t judge people who have since decided to ostracise themselves from members of their extended family.

I do not judge you people at all!

We all know that evasive uncle, aunt or cousin. The one who doesn’t answer their phone and avoids family gatherings, such as funerals and weddings, like a plague. The pandemic came as blessing for most. A viable excuse for many to ghost their extended family members and you know what? I am totally here for it. I am not saying it’s completely right. But…. Is anything in life? Of course this is the extreme version of ghosting but life sometimes forces people to carry out extreme behaviours. It takes a lot for a person to get to a point where they decide to cut their ‘family’ off. A lot actually. And incase you’re wondering, this isn’t about Black Tax. We’ll get into that socially repressive construct some other time.

So, my amazing readers, here’s my very biased opinion.

As you get older life should be occupied on fixations which bring you joy and not the opposite. Life really is short and most people won’t even remember you after you die, those relatives included. They will eat cabbage and pap at your memorial and move on. Afterall why shouldn’t they? There are those of you, who pride themselves on being the champions of their clan. Every problem, you are the saviour. There’s nothing wrong with that but just don’t ever expect anything in return for your heroic efforts. Just because you elected yourself as a saviour doesn’t mean they asked you to be one.

And okay….

I get it, we are Africans. Yes, we believe in Ubuntu and the African collective. And yes, it takes a village to raise a child, not pay that child’s school fees of course. Ha! Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu, until you have real life problems. You have a family until you fall into hardship. You have the admiration and support of your relatives until you need their help. Heck, they’ll even help you divorce your spouse and wreck your life. And I’m not saying they won’t assist you(with cleaning up the messes they’ve fuelled). On the rare occasion that they do help out, just be prepared for a bunch of lectures on how you could be making better life choices. Be prepared to be discussed and dissected on how you once lived lavishly and how they always knew it wouldn’t last because you were pompous and didn’t pray enough. And that little bit of help? That is if you actually receive it, always comes at a cost. Most times you’ll wish you never received it at all.

The most misleading assumptions we make are that being related means we are not strangers. We are. And in that mix of strangers there are good people, judgemental pricks, liars and thieves. Never think that a person who’s an asshole out there in the world won’t be an asshole to you because you share blood. Please and again…..pleaaaaasee don’t be naive.

I probably sound like an embittered hag. Oh God! Maybe I am?

I’m not dissuading anyone, BTW, from having family connections. Just be aware of what you’re signing up for. It’s not all lovey dovey despite what we tell each other. Family is complicated and it’s not a crime to want to remove all those complications from your own existence. You are allowed to. We are all not the same, we all don’t have the same levels of tolerance and patience and we all aren’t social butterflies. I for one have given it a try and after enough bad experiences I’ve accepted that perhaps this just isn’t for me.

Hey, maybe my relatives are just assholes? I don’t doubt that at all. Yours could be amazing. But I can only ever tell you about life through my experiences on God’s beautiful green earth.

I know what you’ll say, that we need family to help us through life’s trials. I’ve gone through some of the worst moments in my life and without the help of relatives. In fact, I’ve gone through those hard times with those same people judging me. And unlike my parents and one sibling, I dont have to put up with them. So while I have formed a few meaningful connections with a handful of my extended members, the rest I have chosen to love from a distance. A very long one.

I’ve given them the one cheek. With me, that’s all you get because if you aim for the other one, I will slap you back. As for the other cheeks? I’ll just say I’m not about to put my ass on line for anyone…that would be incestuous.

Ciao from a distance!

Valerie Tendai Chatindo is a biochemistry graduate from the University of Zimbabwe, writer and sexual health&awareness educator. Her work has appeared in The Kalahari Review, Enthuse Magazine, PinkDisco Magazine, Creepy Pod, Agbowo and Literary Yard. Her short story ‘Sheba’, was shortlisted for the African Cradle, ‘African Heroines’, literary prize and her work published in Povo Africa’s Nehanda Reimagined anthology. The twenty eight year old resides in Harare, Zimbabwe with her cat, Muffins, where she runs her own Literary Platform, Shumba Literary Magazine.